somakemelaugh | Inbawks

[Curiouser and curiouser. Those fingers slow in their scritching and shift to soothing strokes, as if Astre had been waking from a nightmare.]

That's good. At your age, you should know about these things.

[But that look on the Earl, the continued drift of their conversation... Who could it be? Someone they knew here, surely. And how so quickly? He made a habit not to pry into the boy's private life more than he had to, and rarely at that. Astre hardly needed him to protect him from most of what the worlds could throw at him, but it was nice to stand in as his guardian all the same.]

Society in our day and age was a mess if you look past the fancy silks and shiny jewelry and houses worth more than most folk will ever make in their lifetimes. I don't need to tell you. For as much as they could afford on a whim, even people of your standing had very little freedom, private or not. But I'll tell you this, here and now. If it's a woman you love or a man, all that truly matters in the end is how you feel about them and they about you. Bollocks to what anyone else says. They won't make you happy.

[He lifts his finger and taps one long nail against the boy's nose.] And yes, only ever with a woman. I haven't met a man yet who caught my eye, buuuuut... I have a feeling this isn't about me, is it?

[He would have been in terrible trouble if something like this had come to light in England. He might have lost everything, the estate, the title, even his freedom he thinks.

Hearing that from Undertaker though, it's reassuring. Especially with those scritches and his soothing. It doesn't seem quite so abnormal, but he can't help how his stomach drops a bit at the last part. Although he does try not to let it show.]

I just... wondered if it might be different. [There is a little smile though, when his nose is poked, and he lays his head more comfortably and more relaxed against Undertaker.]

[That might have been an awful mess, if things had come into the public eye, but he knew well enough what went on behind closed doors even with men who had wives and children. It was all information, something he kept to himself, valuable in its own way.]

[Astre would never know that from him. The boy knew he was special and that would never change. Still, he couldn't help but notice that hesitation and wonder at it.]

Oh, it is. I may not have had my heart stirred by a man before, but that doesn't mean I haven't dabbled. There's quite a bit of difference between the two.

[He lifts his hand and tousles that mess of hair.]

Did your lessons not teach you that much? Surely, you've at least seen it.

[He does know, not many people would put up with him or try to save him or care for him. Not like Undertaker has. And with no expectations of the teen, no less.]

I never paid much attention to other people or what they do. Not until we lived in Riverview. And even then...

[None of Sebastian's lessons could have prepared him for just how he might feel about someone.

He leans a little into that touch and lets out a soft sigh.]

It doesn't really matter, I suppose.

Oh, no, milord. I mean what they look like. The differences between what makes a man a man and a woman a woman. There is a reason for the modesty clothing provides.

[And now he's most certainly teasing. He can't help it, just a little, even during a conversation of such significance. They know each other so well by now, he knows how to loosen the strings, though his fingers soothing the Earl over his shirt are doing just fine on their own.]

Why shouldn't it matter? You came to me to ask. Something must be on your mind. I believe I know what it is, but tell me. Who is the lucky lad? Really, I must sit him down for a talk should you decide to get serious about it.

O-oh.

[That's a good point and he feels silly for missing it, melting a little further against the retired reaper to both hide and just relax against him.

Some small part of him wishes he'd never said anything at all. And yet, he didn't want to leave it to eat away at him forever.]

I... think that might be a bit difficult. I'm sure he doesn't see me the same way.

[Those fingers moved up again, working a light brush through the dark hair. It'd grown some over the years, as had the Earl himself, and personally he liked it that Astre hadn't bothered to want it trimmed again. Another testament to the chains of England and what they left behind that had fallen from the boy's shackles.]

You won't know unless one of you broaches the subject with the other. Or have you already tried to test those waters?

[His suspicions said no, no for certain. Not if Astre had come to him about it like this, not with all of this uneasiness.]

[He might have some mild trimming done on his hair, just for neatness, but he's definitely let it grow. And letting it grow longer would help to distinguish him and his twin, even with the false eye.

That and he liked it.]

I... sort of tried. [Kind of. Ish.

It was debatable.]

I- you said... [Why is this so hard? He's contracted a demon, did the Queen's dirty work, faced down zombies, almost died from mustard gas. This shouldn't have him tripping over words.

But he knows why though. He doesn't want to do anything that might lose him Undertaker. No matter how it turns out, he just can't stand to lose his reaper.]

[There it is, that little hesitation, that little stumble over the words. As stormy as the boy is now, Undertaker's own demeanor hasn't changed, giving him something to hold onto in the gale. It's just where he always has been for the Earl, where he knows he always will be.]

[The hand on Astre's shoulder slows and gives him a little squeeze, encouraging him to keep talking.]

Hmm. I said?

[He stays quiet for a moment or two longer, just letting himself enjoy the moment, that little squeeze. Treating all of this as if it's the last time he'll get this. And maybe it will be, he can't imagine it going otherwise at this point.]

You said... no man had ever stirred your heart before... [It comes out as a shamed little whisper. Like it might help hide him when the rejection comes.]

[And now, with full clarity, he understands what he had somewhat suspected all along. The hand along Astre's shoulder slows for a brief moment before he covers the look on him with a smile again.]

Ah, my lord. Whatever could you want with an old man like me? There are people in this world far more deserving of your affections than someone such as myself.

[When that hand slows, he suddenly feels the urge to get up and run, hide, disappear if he could. Maybe the blankets would swallow him whole but that's ridiculous, and impossible. Moreso than grim reapers and demons.]

None of them are as interesting. [His voice stays soft.] Nearly as kind, maybe, but not as interesting. Nor as caring as you have been. They don't know me like you do. And I doubt most would care as much, knowing how much I've lied. How much I still lie.

[It's a good thing the Earl hadn't run off when he thought to. As often as Undertaker would let him to his own devices and leave Astre to do what he wishes, when he wishes, this is one instance where he would have given chase. It isn't often that he would ever do so, but he understands these feelings, the depths to which they can reach. And the severity of the pains that they can cause. Hurting the young Earl never sat well with him, more than anything when it was by his own hand, knowingly or not.]

Ah, give it time, my lord. They just haven't had the benefit of having known you your whole life as I have. We come from the same world, not like these others here. Who knows? One of them may send you tumbling head over heels one day and you'd never see it coming. It happens just like that, with anyone at any time.

[He might have just exhausted himself in doing so, and he knows Undertaker would catch up to him with ease. And probably quickly enough. He can't help that the urge is still there though, just under the surface and threatening to overwhelm him.]

What if they don't? [It's a question Astre can't help but voice.] People disappeared from Riverview and the Fleet all the time, some already have here. And I can't... express anything like this if we ever, somehow, end up back in England.

[There's a good chance of it, given Undertaker doesn't truly need to expend energy at all in order to move around. But for now, he'll content himself with cradling the boy and keeping him warm and comfortable, especially given that concern put to voice.]

That's true, but it wasn't any less true of life back in good ol' England either, now was it? Your fancies might have been frowned upon in the public eye, but behind closed doors, nobles get away with all sorts of things. You know this.

[He knows he's playing devil's advocate here, trying to show the boy a brighter side of things, but with as much as has been taken away from Astre all of his life, there's little he can say to make that better. It's no wonder the boy latched onto him, the one constant these past few years.]

I'm not trying to say don't pursue what you want. I only mean to keep your mind open to the possibility. I'll always be here for you, when and where I can, but I'm one man, and not even much of one at that.

[They do. He knows Druitt gets away with a lot, like when he'd tried autioning off 'Robin' and failing during the Jack the Ripper case. And the nobles that he found in Bath. And who knows how many others, he'd never gone looking to find dirt on anyone. Maybe, even back before they'd left England, some part of him really was still good despite the demons machinations.]

I'm not sure I'd have the courage back in England to try.

[He tucks his head in against Undertaker, closing his eyes. And then just a little smile.]

I don't think I can agree on that last part. I can try though, keeping an open mind. [A little sigh.] I don't want to lose you. I shouldn't have said anything.

[Very carefully wrapped, because they both know Astre has absolutely so skill with wrapping gifts, is a soft package left on the table where they normally have tea in the morning.

It's marked for Undertaker.

When unwrapped, he'll find a very warm, very soft, night-blue blanket with stars all over it but also decorate with skulls, bones, and coffins. He hadn't had Undertaker's exact measurements so it's a bit bigger than he might need but the reaper would absolutely be able to curl up under it comfortably and with space to spare.]

[Between them, they held few secrets anymore, and with the holiday coming that at least they two if no one else in the city celebrated, it became more of a game than an effort to try and hide what they each knew the other was up to. They'd lived in such close proximity all of that time, but gave each other space enough and turned a blind eye to the sounds of gift wrapping and whatnot that neither knew what the other had actually planned.]

[So when Astre began to shift and stir early that morning, well before even Undertaker himself would begin to rise, he stayed as he was, pretending to continue to sleep, and let the boy go about his business. It was hard enough for the Earl to be awake at that hour, early as Undertaker himself would always rouse himself, and he gave it a good hour or so by the time piece on the night stand before he made his way into the main room of their shared apartment to see the gift wrapped preciously on the table.]

[If he had not been smiling before, he certainly was now.]

Well, good morning, milord. Looks like Santa knows to visit us here in this world. And here I thought grim reapers had talent.

[He should know better than to think he could sneakily wake before the reaper but he let himself believe he'd succeeded. And he tried to keep quiet while he did everything, unsure how successful that was but pleased all the same.

And once he'd finished, he'd set up their tea and filled the kettle to get it all ready, dozing off at the table for a bit before started to heat the water. There's even still tape and wrapping paper clippings around him as Undertaker comes out and he stirs again, letting out a yawn.]

Happy Christmas, Undertaker. [He's all smiles, a little excited. Just like a kid again.] I started to get tea ready but I wondered if you might want cocoa or something else this morning.

Oh, he tried to be sneaky but he knows how hard that can be when Undertaker is so aware and observant of everything. That never stops Astre from trying though. And so he snuck out of bed early to make a nice breakfast for them, setting it all out on a tray with a fresh pot of tea and all the fixings so he could have as much or as little as he wanted.

Then slipped back into their room, almost certain the reaper would be awake already or faking sleep for Astre's sake.

"Happy birthday!"

It was easy enough to wake him in the mornings. Even if things were rough before he'd made his morning cup of tea and had the first few sips, he liked to consider himself a morning person, as did most who experienced him early enough in the day. So it was, then, when Astre woke and snuck out of bed, trying to be as quiet as possible, that Undertaker woke after a few moments from the bed moving under Astre's weight.

There seemed to be no cause for alarm. Until he heard jostling and rustling around in the kitchen, Undertaker thought the boy had only gone to the bathroom. It had been years, decades even, since he had last cared to celebrate his birthday, or even to acknowledge it at all. Astre had been known now and then to wake up in the mornings and try to surprise him with breakfast tea. Such a sweet boy.

Even sweeter, he thought with surprise, for Astre to remember a date he had shut out of his mind so long ago, and to try to make it special. He gave up playing possum at the greeting and turned his head to look over at his roommate, so very pleased.

"Well, look at this! Someone has been quite busy, haven't they?"

Of course, when it came to someone as important to him as Undertaker was, he'd always remember those special dates. If not to have any kind of 'proper' celebration like Lizzie or anyone would insist on in England, than at least to show how much he cares.

"I thought you deserved to be treated specially. Especially since you've always been amazing to me, you deserve more than I can give."

He settled on the bed beside Undertaker with the tray, sliding it over to the man and half onto his lap so he'd have a chance to sit up comfortably.

"I made a pot of your favorite tea so you could have as much or as little as you'd like with breakfast. Or past it, in case you feel like just spending the day in bed. I can take care of everything in the house. Or just stay with you all day, if you want. The entire day is clear for us both, I made sure, so the day can be anything you like."

It had taken some planning but Astre was determined.

As much as he'd just treated this day like every other day in a year, Astre always managed to find a way to sneak some feeling into it, more so than he normally did. And each and every time, he couldn't help but be touched by the affection. He loved this boy. He truly did.

And there, he paused, staring down at the tray in his lap as it hit him that he did love the boy. Somehow, somewhere, he had fallen for Astre, not completely but enough that he knew that he couldn't live without the Earl, and that it went farther than just his role in their relationship as the guardian.

After a moment's thought, he reached for one of the tea cups on the tray, not to pick it up, but to let his fingers rest on the handle. "My goodness. Every year you do this for me, even though I remind you you don't need to, and every year you still manage to surprise me. You're so thoughtful."

He sighed then, long and leisurely, with a good morning stretch, then set the tray carefully aside at the foot of the bed, curling his legs up against him so he wouldn't risk jostling it and spilling tea everywhere. As he did, he shifted, turning more toward Astre, and held out his arms, inviting the Earl closer. "Come here, my dear. Let's have a hug first, yes?"

He couldn't help a small laugh at the reminder, the compliment, and he just beams at Undertaker for a moment. Of course he reminded Astre each year but each year, the teen hadn't been able to help himself. And, like each year, he still couldn't. He adored the smiles he got for these surprises and he'd continue doing it each year for as long as it made him smile.

"I never need to but I like to. I like being able to treat you like this. Even if I can't be so sneaky about it, it's always fun to try surprising you."

One day, maybe, he'll manage it. Maybe he'll try to get Undertaker to stay up late so he'll sleep a little more heavily. Although, with all his years working as a mortician, he wasn't sure that would work any better than anything else has.

At first, seeing him move the tray, Astre couldn't help but worry he'd messed something up on it but then that invitation for a hug, being called dear, his heart clenched and he climbed across the bed over to him.

"It's your birthday, you can have anything you want. And even then, I'd never refuse a hug." And into hose arms he went, tucking himself against Undertaker and wrapped his arms around him tightly.

Once the Earl is in his arms, he drapes his own around the teen, cradling him close.A long, deep sigh escapes him as he relaxes into the hold, loving this moment and everything about it. One hand trails up after a few moments, fingers working through Astre's thick hair to rub and scritch affectionately, slowly.

It was several moments before he spoke again, his tone lowered. "And what if I wanted you? What if I wanted to make you feel wonderful?"

Inbawks

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backdated to christmas

KRIMMAZ

KRIMMAZ AND PREZZINTS

backdate to 3/25 | action

little heathen

but he loves this heathen

he does

<3

<333333