[That might have been an awful mess, if things had come into the public eye, but he knew well enough what went on behind closed doors even with men who had wives and children. It was all information, something he kept to himself, valuable in its own way.]
[Astre would never know that from him. The boy knew he was special and that would never change. Still, he couldn't help but notice that hesitation and wonder at it.]
Oh, it is. I may not have had my heart stirred by a man before, but that doesn't mean I haven't dabbled. There's quite a bit of difference between the two.
[He lifts his hand and tousles that mess of hair.]
Did your lessons not teach you that much? Surely, you've at least seen it.
[He does know, not many people would put up with him or try to save him or care for him. Not like Undertaker has. And with no expectations of the teen, no less.]
I never paid much attention to other people or what they do. Not until we lived in Riverview. And even then...
[None of Sebastian's lessons could have prepared him for just how he might feel about someone.
He leans a little into that touch and lets out a soft sigh.]
Oh, no, milord. I mean what they look like. The differences between what makes a man a man and a woman a woman. There is a reason for the modesty clothing provides.
[And now he's most certainly teasing. He can't help it, just a little, even during a conversation of such significance. They know each other so well by now, he knows how to loosen the strings, though his fingers soothing the Earl over his shirt are doing just fine on their own.]
Why shouldn't it matter? You came to me to ask. Something must be on your mind. I believe I know what it is, but tell me. Who is the lucky lad? Really, I must sit him down for a talk should you decide to get serious about it.
[Those fingers moved up again, working a light brush through the dark hair. It'd grown some over the years, as had the Earl himself, and personally he liked it that Astre hadn't bothered to want it trimmed again. Another testament to the chains of England and what they left behind that had fallen from the boy's shackles.]
You won't know unless one of you broaches the subject with the other. Or have you already tried to test those waters?
[His suspicions said no, no for certain. Not if Astre had come to him about it like this, not with all of this uneasiness.]
[He might have some mild trimming done on his hair, just for neatness, but he's definitely let it grow. And letting it grow longer would help to distinguish him and his twin, even with the false eye.
That and he liked it.]
I... sort of tried. [Kind of. Ish.
It was debatable.]
I- you said... [Why is this so hard? He's contracted a demon, did the Queen's dirty work, faced down zombies, almost died from mustard gas. This shouldn't have him tripping over words.
But he knows why though. He doesn't want to do anything that might lose him Undertaker. No matter how it turns out, he just can't stand to lose his reaper.]
[There it is, that little hesitation, that little stumble over the words. As stormy as the boy is now, Undertaker's own demeanor hasn't changed, giving him something to hold onto in the gale. It's just where he always has been for the Earl, where he knows he always will be.]
[The hand on Astre's shoulder slows and gives him a little squeeze, encouraging him to keep talking.]
[He stays quiet for a moment or two longer, just letting himself enjoy the moment, that little squeeze. Treating all of this as if it's the last time he'll get this. And maybe it will be, he can't imagine it going otherwise at this point.]
You said... no man had ever stirred your heart before... [It comes out as a shamed little whisper. Like it might help hide him when the rejection comes.]
[And now, with full clarity, he understands what he had somewhat suspected all along. The hand along Astre's shoulder slows for a brief moment before he covers the look on him with a smile again.]
Ah, my lord. Whatever could you want with an old man like me? There are people in this world far more deserving of your affections than someone such as myself.
[When that hand slows, he suddenly feels the urge to get up and run, hide, disappear if he could. Maybe the blankets would swallow him whole but that's ridiculous, and impossible. Moreso than grim reapers and demons.]
None of them are as interesting. [His voice stays soft.] Nearly as kind, maybe, but not as interesting. Nor as caring as you have been. They don't know me like you do. And I doubt most would care as much, knowing how much I've lied. How much I still lie.
[It's a good thing the Earl hadn't run off when he thought to. As often as Undertaker would let him to his own devices and leave Astre to do what he wishes, when he wishes, this is one instance where he would have given chase. It isn't often that he would ever do so, but he understands these feelings, the depths to which they can reach. And the severity of the pains that they can cause. Hurting the young Earl never sat well with him, more than anything when it was by his own hand, knowingly or not.]
Ah, give it time, my lord. They just haven't had the benefit of having known you your whole life as I have. We come from the same world, not like these others here. Who knows? One of them may send you tumbling head over heels one day and you'd never see it coming. It happens just like that, with anyone at any time.
[He might have just exhausted himself in doing so, and he knows Undertaker would catch up to him with ease. And probably quickly enough. He can't help that the urge is still there though, just under the surface and threatening to overwhelm him.]
What if they don't? [It's a question Astre can't help but voice.] People disappeared from Riverview and the Fleet all the time, some already have here. And I can't... express anything like this if we ever, somehow, end up back in England.
[There's a good chance of it, given Undertaker doesn't truly need to expend energy at all in order to move around. But for now, he'll content himself with cradling the boy and keeping him warm and comfortable, especially given that concern put to voice.]
That's true, but it wasn't any less true of life back in good ol' England either, now was it? Your fancies might have been frowned upon in the public eye, but behind closed doors, nobles get away with all sorts of things. You know this.
[He knows he's playing devil's advocate here, trying to show the boy a brighter side of things, but with as much as has been taken away from Astre all of his life, there's little he can say to make that better. It's no wonder the boy latched onto him, the one constant these past few years.]
I'm not trying to say don't pursue what you want. I only mean to keep your mind open to the possibility. I'll always be here for you, when and where I can, but I'm one man, and not even much of one at that.
[They do. He knows Druitt gets away with a lot, like when he'd tried autioning off 'Robin' and failing during the Jack the Ripper case. And the nobles that he found in Bath. And who knows how many others, he'd never gone looking to find dirt on anyone. Maybe, even back before they'd left England, some part of him really was still good despite the demons machinations.]
I'm not sure I'd have the courage back in England to try.
[He tucks his head in against Undertaker, closing his eyes. And then just a little smile.]
I don't think I can agree on that last part. I can try though, keeping an open mind. [A little sigh.] I don't want to lose you. I shouldn't have said anything.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-11-18 06:08 pm (UTC)[Astre would never know that from him. The boy knew he was special and that would never change. Still, he couldn't help but notice that hesitation and wonder at it.]
Oh, it is. I may not have had my heart stirred by a man before, but that doesn't mean I haven't dabbled. There's quite a bit of difference between the two.
[He lifts his hand and tousles that mess of hair.]
Did your lessons not teach you that much? Surely, you've at least seen it.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-18 07:19 pm (UTC)I never paid much attention to other people or what they do. Not until we lived in Riverview. And even then...
[None of Sebastian's lessons could have prepared him for just how he might feel about someone.
He leans a little into that touch and lets out a soft sigh.]
It doesn't really matter, I suppose.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-20 03:33 pm (UTC)[And now he's most certainly teasing. He can't help it, just a little, even during a conversation of such significance. They know each other so well by now, he knows how to loosen the strings, though his fingers soothing the Earl over his shirt are doing just fine on their own.]
Why shouldn't it matter? You came to me to ask. Something must be on your mind. I believe I know what it is, but tell me. Who is the lucky lad? Really, I must sit him down for a talk should you decide to get serious about it.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-20 06:43 pm (UTC)[That's a good point and he feels silly for missing it, melting a little further against the retired reaper to both hide and just relax against him.
Some small part of him wishes he'd never said anything at all. And yet, he didn't want to leave it to eat away at him forever.]
I... think that might be a bit difficult. I'm sure he doesn't see me the same way.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-21 03:48 pm (UTC)You won't know unless one of you broaches the subject with the other. Or have you already tried to test those waters?
[His suspicions said no, no for certain. Not if Astre had come to him about it like this, not with all of this uneasiness.]
no subject
Date: 2019-11-21 09:47 pm (UTC)That and he liked it.]
I... sort of tried. [Kind of. Ish.
It was debatable.]
I- you said... [Why is this so hard? He's contracted a demon, did the Queen's dirty work, faced down zombies, almost died from mustard gas. This shouldn't have him tripping over words.
But he knows why though. He doesn't want to do anything that might lose him Undertaker. No matter how it turns out, he just can't stand to lose his reaper.]
no subject
Date: 2019-11-25 04:27 pm (UTC)[The hand on Astre's shoulder slows and gives him a little squeeze, encouraging him to keep talking.]
Hmm. I said?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-25 07:32 pm (UTC)You said... no man had ever stirred your heart before... [It comes out as a shamed little whisper. Like it might help hide him when the rejection comes.]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-14 06:44 pm (UTC)Ah, my lord. Whatever could you want with an old man like me? There are people in this world far more deserving of your affections than someone such as myself.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-16 08:44 am (UTC)None of them are as interesting. [His voice stays soft.] Nearly as kind, maybe, but not as interesting. Nor as caring as you have been. They don't know me like you do. And I doubt most would care as much, knowing how much I've lied. How much I still lie.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-17 04:31 pm (UTC)Ah, give it time, my lord. They just haven't had the benefit of having known you your whole life as I have. We come from the same world, not like these others here. Who knows? One of them may send you tumbling head over heels one day and you'd never see it coming. It happens just like that, with anyone at any time.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-18 08:33 am (UTC)What if they don't? [It's a question Astre can't help but voice.] People disappeared from Riverview and the Fleet all the time, some already have here. And I can't... express anything like this if we ever, somehow, end up back in England.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-22 05:41 pm (UTC)That's true, but it wasn't any less true of life back in good ol' England either, now was it? Your fancies might have been frowned upon in the public eye, but behind closed doors, nobles get away with all sorts of things. You know this.
[He knows he's playing devil's advocate here, trying to show the boy a brighter side of things, but with as much as has been taken away from Astre all of his life, there's little he can say to make that better. It's no wonder the boy latched onto him, the one constant these past few years.]
I'm not trying to say don't pursue what you want. I only mean to keep your mind open to the possibility. I'll always be here for you, when and where I can, but I'm one man, and not even much of one at that.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-23 08:14 pm (UTC)I'm not sure I'd have the courage back in England to try.
[He tucks his head in against Undertaker, closing his eyes. And then just a little smile.]
I don't think I can agree on that last part. I can try though, keeping an open mind. [A little sigh.] I don't want to lose you. I shouldn't have said anything.