[Oh, not far to find him and he can feel his heart beating a little harder for it. And he suddenly realizes that he still has no idea what to do, that moment of calling out for him and actually finding him doing nothing to help.
He moves over the the couch, settling beside Undertaker and peeking at his datapad for a moment, nosy, and then leans his head onto the reapers shoulder.]
Anything interesting?
[That's an innocent enough question, right? Even after the days he'd been a bit quiet and awkward. Thinking about that now makes his stomach knot up a bit in guilt.]
[By now, the nosiness is to be expected, and he never has made an excuse for the boy not to look at what he's reading. Most of their literary entertainment falls along the same lines sometimes anyway, or close enough that they don't mind swapping books. When Astre gives up reading with him and leans into him, he shifts an arm around to settle about the boy's shoulders in habit.]
Nothing truly. Just some old fiction from a time long past in this place. They had odd thoughts on how to harvest solar energies back then, but I can't really speak to the matter myself, being no expert in the field.
[He turns his head, peers over at the teen leaning against him.]
Care to change the text? I'm sure we can find something we both enjoy.
[He's never been able to help himself. Especially since Undertaker got his eyes... fixed, he supposes is the best word for it. Some part of him, that he's given no voice to, is glad they're still that phosphorescent green. It's hard to imagine his eyes any other color, but he's not sure he'd really mind if they had. They would still be Undertaker's eyes, green or otherwise.
There's a soft, pleased, little sigh when the arm wraps around him, and his pounding heart calms. Slightly. It still beats hard in his chest, just slower.]
Hm, I don't mind reading whatever you're reading. I just... want to sit like this for awhile, if you don't mind.
[There's a soft hum and he turns back to the datapad in his lap to swipe a page - with his fingertip, not his fingernail. He learned that lesson well enough on the Fleet. The hand on Astre's arm rubs a light trail up and down as he's wont to do during their snuggling.]
Mm, good. [He melts against Undertaker when that hands starts to rub along his arm. It's impossible to keep his eyes open at the comfort it provides, but he's far from falling asleep. There's too much on his mind and he's trying to find a way, still, to bring up what he'd spoken to Era about.
It's hard to think of anything beyond an awkward question about love.]
I... wanted to ask something, but I don't know how to start it.
[For a short time, there is silence between them, and it isn't uncomfortable, at least not on his end. He can sense that there's something bothering the boy, but he won't press. Even after so long, after the comfort that has built between them, he knows not to force a subject, not unless necessary. So he lets Astre come around on his own, and it isn't long after all for that to happen.]
Usually it's best to start a question with a word, don't you think?
[There's a little mumble of 'yeah' but his cheeks are pink and he turns his face against Undertaker a bit. Only for a moment though as his heart tries to beat out of his chest.]
How- [Hnngh...] Y-you've been in love. How did you know..?
[He heard that mumble, and it isn't like he doesn't hear it, though he does let it pass without incident. What comes next puts perspective on more than enough to give him his suspicions, and he turns a growing smile on the Earl.]
Oh dear. Never did imagine I'd be the one to have the old birds and bees conversation with you. [That's going to be a fun hurdle when they reach it. For now, he marks his place in the book and sets it aside to give Astre his full focus.]
It's different for everyone. For me, it was the way I felt around her, like I'd just stepped through the door to my home after a long day's work, the way her laugh made me smile and made my heart skip a beat. Silly as it might sound, it was all true, but it only feels like that in love or infatuation. [He tilted his head, giving a shoulder a playful little scritch.] Which is it for you, do you think?
I know about the birds and the bees. [He mumbles. Technically. He understands the mechanics of it, at the very least. It was a necessary part of his general education.
But he listens to Undertaker's description, feeling his heart pounding hard still. His hand clenched slightly, clinging to the reaper for a moment and then swallowing hard.] K-kind of the same, really. Just-
[Curiouser and curiouser. Those fingers slow in their scritching and shift to soothing strokes, as if Astre had been waking from a nightmare.]
That's good. At your age, you should know about these things.
[But that look on the Earl, the continued drift of their conversation... Who could it be? Someone they knew here, surely. And how so quickly? He made a habit not to pry into the boy's private life more than he had to, and rarely at that. Astre hardly needed him to protect him from most of what the worlds could throw at him, but it was nice to stand in as his guardian all the same.]
Society in our day and age was a mess if you look past the fancy silks and shiny jewelry and houses worth more than most folk will ever make in their lifetimes. I don't need to tell you. For as much as they could afford on a whim, even people of your standing had very little freedom, private or not. But I'll tell you this, here and now. If it's a woman you love or a man, all that truly matters in the end is how you feel about them and they about you. Bollocks to what anyone else says. They won't make you happy.
[He lifts his finger and taps one long nail against the boy's nose.] And yes, only ever with a woman. I haven't met a man yet who caught my eye, buuuuut... I have a feeling this isn't about me, is it?
[He would have been in terrible trouble if something like this had come to light in England. He might have lost everything, the estate, the title, even his freedom he thinks.
Hearing that from Undertaker though, it's reassuring. Especially with those scritches and his soothing. It doesn't seem quite so abnormal, but he can't help how his stomach drops a bit at the last part. Although he does try not to let it show.]
I just... wondered if it might be different. [There is a little smile though, when his nose is poked, and he lays his head more comfortably and more relaxed against Undertaker.]
[That might have been an awful mess, if things had come into the public eye, but he knew well enough what went on behind closed doors even with men who had wives and children. It was all information, something he kept to himself, valuable in its own way.]
[Astre would never know that from him. The boy knew he was special and that would never change. Still, he couldn't help but notice that hesitation and wonder at it.]
Oh, it is. I may not have had my heart stirred by a man before, but that doesn't mean I haven't dabbled. There's quite a bit of difference between the two.
[He lifts his hand and tousles that mess of hair.]
Did your lessons not teach you that much? Surely, you've at least seen it.
[He does know, not many people would put up with him or try to save him or care for him. Not like Undertaker has. And with no expectations of the teen, no less.]
I never paid much attention to other people or what they do. Not until we lived in Riverview. And even then...
[None of Sebastian's lessons could have prepared him for just how he might feel about someone.
He leans a little into that touch and lets out a soft sigh.]
Oh, no, milord. I mean what they look like. The differences between what makes a man a man and a woman a woman. There is a reason for the modesty clothing provides.
[And now he's most certainly teasing. He can't help it, just a little, even during a conversation of such significance. They know each other so well by now, he knows how to loosen the strings, though his fingers soothing the Earl over his shirt are doing just fine on their own.]
Why shouldn't it matter? You came to me to ask. Something must be on your mind. I believe I know what it is, but tell me. Who is the lucky lad? Really, I must sit him down for a talk should you decide to get serious about it.
[Those fingers moved up again, working a light brush through the dark hair. It'd grown some over the years, as had the Earl himself, and personally he liked it that Astre hadn't bothered to want it trimmed again. Another testament to the chains of England and what they left behind that had fallen from the boy's shackles.]
You won't know unless one of you broaches the subject with the other. Or have you already tried to test those waters?
[His suspicions said no, no for certain. Not if Astre had come to him about it like this, not with all of this uneasiness.]
[He might have some mild trimming done on his hair, just for neatness, but he's definitely let it grow. And letting it grow longer would help to distinguish him and his twin, even with the false eye.
That and he liked it.]
I... sort of tried. [Kind of. Ish.
It was debatable.]
I- you said... [Why is this so hard? He's contracted a demon, did the Queen's dirty work, faced down zombies, almost died from mustard gas. This shouldn't have him tripping over words.
But he knows why though. He doesn't want to do anything that might lose him Undertaker. No matter how it turns out, he just can't stand to lose his reaper.]
[There it is, that little hesitation, that little stumble over the words. As stormy as the boy is now, Undertaker's own demeanor hasn't changed, giving him something to hold onto in the gale. It's just where he always has been for the Earl, where he knows he always will be.]
[The hand on Astre's shoulder slows and gives him a little squeeze, encouraging him to keep talking.]
[He stays quiet for a moment or two longer, just letting himself enjoy the moment, that little squeeze. Treating all of this as if it's the last time he'll get this. And maybe it will be, he can't imagine it going otherwise at this point.]
You said... no man had ever stirred your heart before... [It comes out as a shamed little whisper. Like it might help hide him when the rejection comes.]
[And now, with full clarity, he understands what he had somewhat suspected all along. The hand along Astre's shoulder slows for a brief moment before he covers the look on him with a smile again.]
Ah, my lord. Whatever could you want with an old man like me? There are people in this world far more deserving of your affections than someone such as myself.
[When that hand slows, he suddenly feels the urge to get up and run, hide, disappear if he could. Maybe the blankets would swallow him whole but that's ridiculous, and impossible. Moreso than grim reapers and demons.]
None of them are as interesting. [His voice stays soft.] Nearly as kind, maybe, but not as interesting. Nor as caring as you have been. They don't know me like you do. And I doubt most would care as much, knowing how much I've lied. How much I still lie.
[It's a good thing the Earl hadn't run off when he thought to. As often as Undertaker would let him to his own devices and leave Astre to do what he wishes, when he wishes, this is one instance where he would have given chase. It isn't often that he would ever do so, but he understands these feelings, the depths to which they can reach. And the severity of the pains that they can cause. Hurting the young Earl never sat well with him, more than anything when it was by his own hand, knowingly or not.]
Ah, give it time, my lord. They just haven't had the benefit of having known you your whole life as I have. We come from the same world, not like these others here. Who knows? One of them may send you tumbling head over heels one day and you'd never see it coming. It happens just like that, with anyone at any time.
[He might have just exhausted himself in doing so, and he knows Undertaker would catch up to him with ease. And probably quickly enough. He can't help that the urge is still there though, just under the surface and threatening to overwhelm him.]
What if they don't? [It's a question Astre can't help but voice.] People disappeared from Riverview and the Fleet all the time, some already have here. And I can't... express anything like this if we ever, somehow, end up back in England.
[There's a good chance of it, given Undertaker doesn't truly need to expend energy at all in order to move around. But for now, he'll content himself with cradling the boy and keeping him warm and comfortable, especially given that concern put to voice.]
That's true, but it wasn't any less true of life back in good ol' England either, now was it? Your fancies might have been frowned upon in the public eye, but behind closed doors, nobles get away with all sorts of things. You know this.
[He knows he's playing devil's advocate here, trying to show the boy a brighter side of things, but with as much as has been taken away from Astre all of his life, there's little he can say to make that better. It's no wonder the boy latched onto him, the one constant these past few years.]
I'm not trying to say don't pursue what you want. I only mean to keep your mind open to the possibility. I'll always be here for you, when and where I can, but I'm one man, and not even much of one at that.
[They do. He knows Druitt gets away with a lot, like when he'd tried autioning off 'Robin' and failing during the Jack the Ripper case. And the nobles that he found in Bath. And who knows how many others, he'd never gone looking to find dirt on anyone. Maybe, even back before they'd left England, some part of him really was still good despite the demons machinations.]
I'm not sure I'd have the courage back in England to try.
[He tucks his head in against Undertaker, closing his eyes. And then just a little smile.]
I don't think I can agree on that last part. I can try though, keeping an open mind. [A little sigh.] I don't want to lose you. I shouldn't have said anything.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-10-25 04:01 am (UTC)He moves over the the couch, settling beside Undertaker and peeking at his datapad for a moment, nosy, and then leans his head onto the reapers shoulder.]
Anything interesting?
[That's an innocent enough question, right? Even after the days he'd been a bit quiet and awkward. Thinking about that now makes his stomach knot up a bit in guilt.]
no subject
Date: 2019-10-25 05:21 am (UTC)Nothing truly. Just some old fiction from a time long past in this place. They had odd thoughts on how to harvest solar energies back then, but I can't really speak to the matter myself, being no expert in the field.
[He turns his head, peers over at the teen leaning against him.]
Care to change the text? I'm sure we can find something we both enjoy.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-25 05:55 am (UTC)There's a soft, pleased, little sigh when the arm wraps around him, and his pounding heart calms. Slightly. It still beats hard in his chest, just slower.]
Hm, I don't mind reading whatever you're reading. I just... want to sit like this for awhile, if you don't mind.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-27 03:14 pm (UTC)Take your time. I'm going nowhere.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-27 11:00 pm (UTC)It's hard to think of anything beyond an awkward question about love.]
I... wanted to ask something, but I don't know how to start it.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-06 06:18 am (UTC)Usually it's best to start a question with a word, don't you think?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-06 06:59 am (UTC)How- [Hnngh...] Y-you've been in love. How did you know..?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-11 07:06 am (UTC)Oh dear. Never did imagine I'd be the one to have the old birds and bees conversation with you. [That's going to be a fun hurdle when they reach it. For now, he marks his place in the book and sets it aside to give Astre his full focus.]
It's different for everyone. For me, it was the way I felt around her, like I'd just stepped through the door to my home after a long day's work, the way her laugh made me smile and made my heart skip a beat. Silly as it might sound, it was all true, but it only feels like that in love or infatuation. [He tilted his head, giving a shoulder a playful little scritch.] Which is it for you, do you think?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-11 07:29 am (UTC)I know about the birds and the bees. [He mumbles. Technically. He understands the mechanics of it, at the very least. It was a necessary part of his general education.
But he listens to Undertaker's description, feeling his heart pounding hard still. His hand clenched slightly, clinging to the reaper for a moment and then swallowing hard.] K-kind of the same, really. Just-
Only ever a woman?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-11 04:15 pm (UTC)That's good. At your age, you should know about these things.
[But that look on the Earl, the continued drift of their conversation... Who could it be? Someone they knew here, surely. And how so quickly? He made a habit not to pry into the boy's private life more than he had to, and rarely at that. Astre hardly needed him to protect him from most of what the worlds could throw at him, but it was nice to stand in as his guardian all the same.]
Society in our day and age was a mess if you look past the fancy silks and shiny jewelry and houses worth more than most folk will ever make in their lifetimes. I don't need to tell you. For as much as they could afford on a whim, even people of your standing had very little freedom, private or not. But I'll tell you this, here and now. If it's a woman you love or a man, all that truly matters in the end is how you feel about them and they about you. Bollocks to what anyone else says. They won't make you happy.
[He lifts his finger and taps one long nail against the boy's nose.] And yes, only ever with a woman. I haven't met a man yet who caught my eye, buuuuut... I have a feeling this isn't about me, is it?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-11 07:29 pm (UTC)Hearing that from Undertaker though, it's reassuring. Especially with those scritches and his soothing. It doesn't seem quite so abnormal, but he can't help how his stomach drops a bit at the last part. Although he does try not to let it show.]
I just... wondered if it might be different. [There is a little smile though, when his nose is poked, and he lays his head more comfortably and more relaxed against Undertaker.]
no subject
Date: 2019-11-18 06:08 pm (UTC)[Astre would never know that from him. The boy knew he was special and that would never change. Still, he couldn't help but notice that hesitation and wonder at it.]
Oh, it is. I may not have had my heart stirred by a man before, but that doesn't mean I haven't dabbled. There's quite a bit of difference between the two.
[He lifts his hand and tousles that mess of hair.]
Did your lessons not teach you that much? Surely, you've at least seen it.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-18 07:19 pm (UTC)I never paid much attention to other people or what they do. Not until we lived in Riverview. And even then...
[None of Sebastian's lessons could have prepared him for just how he might feel about someone.
He leans a little into that touch and lets out a soft sigh.]
It doesn't really matter, I suppose.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-20 03:33 pm (UTC)[And now he's most certainly teasing. He can't help it, just a little, even during a conversation of such significance. They know each other so well by now, he knows how to loosen the strings, though his fingers soothing the Earl over his shirt are doing just fine on their own.]
Why shouldn't it matter? You came to me to ask. Something must be on your mind. I believe I know what it is, but tell me. Who is the lucky lad? Really, I must sit him down for a talk should you decide to get serious about it.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-20 06:43 pm (UTC)[That's a good point and he feels silly for missing it, melting a little further against the retired reaper to both hide and just relax against him.
Some small part of him wishes he'd never said anything at all. And yet, he didn't want to leave it to eat away at him forever.]
I... think that might be a bit difficult. I'm sure he doesn't see me the same way.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-21 03:48 pm (UTC)You won't know unless one of you broaches the subject with the other. Or have you already tried to test those waters?
[His suspicions said no, no for certain. Not if Astre had come to him about it like this, not with all of this uneasiness.]
no subject
Date: 2019-11-21 09:47 pm (UTC)That and he liked it.]
I... sort of tried. [Kind of. Ish.
It was debatable.]
I- you said... [Why is this so hard? He's contracted a demon, did the Queen's dirty work, faced down zombies, almost died from mustard gas. This shouldn't have him tripping over words.
But he knows why though. He doesn't want to do anything that might lose him Undertaker. No matter how it turns out, he just can't stand to lose his reaper.]
no subject
Date: 2019-11-25 04:27 pm (UTC)[The hand on Astre's shoulder slows and gives him a little squeeze, encouraging him to keep talking.]
Hmm. I said?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-25 07:32 pm (UTC)You said... no man had ever stirred your heart before... [It comes out as a shamed little whisper. Like it might help hide him when the rejection comes.]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-14 06:44 pm (UTC)Ah, my lord. Whatever could you want with an old man like me? There are people in this world far more deserving of your affections than someone such as myself.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-16 08:44 am (UTC)None of them are as interesting. [His voice stays soft.] Nearly as kind, maybe, but not as interesting. Nor as caring as you have been. They don't know me like you do. And I doubt most would care as much, knowing how much I've lied. How much I still lie.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-17 04:31 pm (UTC)Ah, give it time, my lord. They just haven't had the benefit of having known you your whole life as I have. We come from the same world, not like these others here. Who knows? One of them may send you tumbling head over heels one day and you'd never see it coming. It happens just like that, with anyone at any time.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-18 08:33 am (UTC)What if they don't? [It's a question Astre can't help but voice.] People disappeared from Riverview and the Fleet all the time, some already have here. And I can't... express anything like this if we ever, somehow, end up back in England.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-22 05:41 pm (UTC)That's true, but it wasn't any less true of life back in good ol' England either, now was it? Your fancies might have been frowned upon in the public eye, but behind closed doors, nobles get away with all sorts of things. You know this.
[He knows he's playing devil's advocate here, trying to show the boy a brighter side of things, but with as much as has been taken away from Astre all of his life, there's little he can say to make that better. It's no wonder the boy latched onto him, the one constant these past few years.]
I'm not trying to say don't pursue what you want. I only mean to keep your mind open to the possibility. I'll always be here for you, when and where I can, but I'm one man, and not even much of one at that.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-23 08:14 pm (UTC)I'm not sure I'd have the courage back in England to try.
[He tucks his head in against Undertaker, closing his eyes. And then just a little smile.]
I don't think I can agree on that last part. I can try though, keeping an open mind. [A little sigh.] I don't want to lose you. I shouldn't have said anything.